ass kickery

as i look back on my life as a single male in america i can say with confidence that according to most standards i have lived a kick-ass life. 

but now, as i stand on the brink of marriage and bid farewell to the individual “dave wernz” i find myself increasingly mournful of the life i have told so many was a success.

in the years during and after high school up to the present day, i find my life marked not by progressive ground taking but of marginal victories and consistent defeat. struggle has been the defining characteristic of my life. the external trappings of a man moving toward maturity in christ seem puny and anemic when viewed alongside the ravages of an internal civil war. like fake flowers thrust into a rotting corpse.

silly and pathetic attempts as fending off lust and self indulgence made almost comical by their absurdity. the constant, overpowering stench of pride, tainting every aspect of being,  by-passing every deffense. an awarness of this and more only pouring fuel on the embers of guilt, shame, fear, doubt and dispair.  PUT OFF! PUT OFF! PUT OFF! keeps me clawing away myself but the typical result is just raw and oozing wounds.

and this does not even take into accont my inablity to cultivate a real, lasting desire for the things of God. the atributes of God and fruit of the spirit seem more and more like a small child’s christmas wish list of things he could never possess and wouldn’t know what to do with if by some christmas miracle they appeared.  growth occurs in starts and fits, if at all. while learning is a constant in only succeeds in widening the gap between theory and execution.  not only have i not become like Jesus, i have faild to adequetly promote and glorify his name. missed opportunities, squandered time and relationships are once again the pattern of my life so far. the gifts he has given me have been quickly pissed away on  my own whims. the relationships he provided to guide my journey and stimulate growth have been severed and carefully gaurded against.  his kindness abused and taken for granted. his favor assumed and often un aknowledged.  his blessing and protection demanded and left un thanked. 

here i stand, pitiful. 

what can i do but fall on grace? what can i say but Jesus save me?

his love is enough to give me hope.

Rom 5: 20 “the law was given so that sin would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more…”

O)—